When did I turn into such a big scaredy cat? I have never been so scared or anxious about my life…then the way I feel at this very moment. Tears have been flowing out of my eyes way too easily. My heart feels empty and my brain is telling my heart that this feeling isn’t going to go away. Why am I scared? I am scared to step out of my box. I am scared to leave my favorite town in the whole world to move to Denver; I am afraid to leave my friends; I am afraid to leave my gym; and I am really afraid of being alone. Being alone is a very empty feeling. Even though, I have my best friend Deverie to experience my new journey with….I still feel alone. For some reason, I am not thinking logically. I have let my heart lead me into a scary place. Starting my new job as a CPA with the largest accounting firm in the state and the fourth largest in the world should be exciting. However, I am not thinking of that aspect. I can only think about all the things I am leaving behind.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we allow new adventures to scare us away? I should be looking at this with a clear mind, but my mind is too clouded with scary thoughts. My parents taught me to be a strong and independent woman. I shouldn’t ever have to rely on anyone but myself to get the job done. For the past five years, I have done just that. If I want something….then I get it! I work hard for what I want and the feeling of satisfaction I receive is amazing. It is nice to know that I have the power to go out and get it without any help. This time, things are different. I don’t want to do this by myself. I want help….I can’t believe I am about to say this, but I want someone to hold my hand through this process! Really?! Yes, how can Miss Independent go from always wanting to do everything by herself and for herself to needing someone to hold her hand? Not sure? I need to figure this out.
Tomorrow, I am officially an adult. I start my real job. You know the kind you work from 8-5 everyday. This last weekend, I chose to leave Fort Collins with a BANG! Actually, it was a BIG BANG. (This calls for another story…another time.) This past weekend was so bittersweet. I had the best weekend ever, which makes it even harder to say goodbye. All of my friends are going in different directions. I know that some of them I will never see again, others I will see every now and then, and there are just a few that I will see more often than not. Life goes on and the music keeps playing, whether or not we want it to. This is one of those times that I wish I could hit the pause button. Since I have no control over the music player….I must accept it and move on. I have to embrace this scary thing called change; I have to run with it and I have to own it.
I am the only one who can control my feelings. I am choosing to take this scary situation and turn it into something totally FAB!
Any words of wisdom for this scared 23 year-old?
Food for thought:
“The Master of Life’s been good to me. He has given me strength to face past illnesses, and victory in the face of defeat. He has given me life and joy where other saw oblivion. He has given new purpose to live for, new services to render and old wounds to heal. Life and love go on, let the music play.” Johnny Cash
By the time you read my comment you will have completed your first day of "adult" life. That adult perspective sounds really depressing. Here's the deal - be gentle with yourself. And yes, you are right - life is scarey at times, but unfamiliar soon becomes familiar and then it changes up again. We all need hands reaching out - thankfully God's is the biggest of them all. Actually, there are a number of us still holding your hand because we want to - now and forever! xoxo Aunt Lisa
ReplyDeleteAunt Lisa is right! We will all hold your hand and it is absolutely ok to ask for help in your journey. That is actually the greatest gift of all - we are not alone. Love you dear Ali! Mom
ReplyDeleteDearest Ali--I wish I had a magic potion to take away this scary feeling but I don't. We have always been there holding your hand even when you didn't want us to and we will be there now and always. Your determination and gusto for life will get you through this. We will laugh with you, cry with you, and be there watching you take this new chapter in your life with GUSTO. The REAL world is scary but you have such a great support system and it will be alright. You are an amazing woman! Treasure the memories, follow your dreams, and make more memories. Enjoy this new life and God and your family and friends will be here when you need us. I am so proud of you! Love you so--Aunt KK
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